I watched the DVD “My Own Love Song” the other night.  A bit of a strange movie, but this song — when she sang this song, all I could think of was Dennis.

My dear Dennis … I miss you so much!

I looked forward to listening to him play his guitar every Friday when I would come home for either the occasional lunch or after work!  It was like getting to have my own private concert every week!  He never invited me in to listen formally but over the years I could tell that he was enjoying his passion!

Dennis I believe embodied the following tenet; ‘We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.’  Dennis knew that growing older is mandatory, growing up is optional!  He knew that there is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.  Anybody can grow older.  That doesn’t take any talent or ability.  The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change.  To have no regrets. He knew that we make a Living by what we get and that we make a Life by what we give!

Dennis did this with his unique ability to dream and that was what he did through his art, music, and his close relationship with his cat Mr. Spoons, aka Spoons or Spoonies! I believe that as one ages one should not have regrets.  I truly believe that Dennis didn’t regret what he did but rather the things that he did not do.  I believe that the only people who fear death are those with regrets.  Dennis reminded me of his lack of regret with his life, actions and friendship!

Watching Dennis go through his treatment brought about a wide variety of thoughts, emotions, and reactions.  Mostly though I was/am in sheer awe!  How does an individual stay so devoted so commited to a goal/ideal that even the intense pain, (unknown to myself or anyone for that matter), would not be able to deter him from the path that he had chosen for himself?. . . .

. . . .It could have only been a love and a knowledge that he had unbeknownst to anyone else that had to be enveloped in an amazingly incredible beauty and peace.  Throughout life we all celebrate a renewal/awakening/hope of/for salvation I believe that Dennis the miraculous and divine being that he is was able to celebrate this as he strove to drive through his fear(s) and pain and kept on trying to obtain his goal/ideal because he was able to see/experience this amazing and incredible beauty and peace first hand!

I imagine him standing beneath a huge sombrero cactus in the desert looking up from beneath the cactus, in its resplendent glory, there is a mist hovering over the desert and glowing in the darkness glistening in the night light, it has snowed.  Then slowly and with great dignity, never looking back, he walks across the desert and up a hill, stepping cautiously through the snow. The journey up the hill is hard for his body in the steep snow. As he steps over a little knoll at the crest of the hill, he pauses to rest.  His body is brittle with years, tired from the climb, yet his eyes are filled with devotion.  He looks out upon a dazzling scene as he falls to his knees in amazement at the incredible beauty before him.  Seemingly, every glorious, brillant star in the heavens are caught up in the glittering, snow -frosted beach it is aglow with heavenly candles.  Poised out on the ocean a crystal crescent moon glistens like spun glass.  He was breathless and held himself tight, never had a mere mortal beheld such a scene – he was safe … then looking out on the ocean that he is so fond of and has yearned to see for so long he offers his gift —  love. Tears flow from his eyes as he shouts his excitement and joy… Because again the peace of love fills his heart.  The lightness of being he is now roams among the stars and gazes upon those he loved and all who loved him.

On the day Dennis crossed over a magnificent rose was planted in the creator’s garden and blossomed and continues to bloom for all to behold!

‘Good friends are like stars…..You don’t alway see them, but you know they are always there.’

Here are a few song lyrics that have meaning for myself and maybe for Dennis as well, just a way to say until the next time we meet my friend!  Be well…..Be free……

Song lyrics to “The Rose”, Bette Midler

Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed.  Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed.  Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need.  I say love, it is a flower and you its only seed.

It’s the heart afraid of breaking that never learned to dance.  It’s the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance.  it’s the one who won’t be taken who cannot seem to give and the soul afraid of dyin’ that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely and the road has been to long, and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong.  just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows lies the seed that with the sun’s love in the spring becomes the rose.

Song lyrics to “If I Could”, Seal

There’s no reason for you to lose your mind ’cause I’ve seen somethin that’s gonna change our time.

If I could, I’d make you understand. If I could, I’d make you understand.

Ah there’s no hurry It’s gonna come for sure ’cause I know that someday we’re gonna end our war.

If I could, I’d make you understand.  If I could, I’d make you understand.

Yes, I’d stay, and if I, if I, If I could I would now Oh my baby, oh baby.  And if I could, I’d make you understand. If I could, then I’d make you understand.

There’s no reason for you to lose your mind.  ‘Cause I’ve seen someting that’s gonna change our time.

if I could, if I could, and if I could Oh oh, oh oh, whoa oh oh oh If I could, If I could If I could, whoa, oh, oh, oh oh If I could, I would now baby If I could, I would I would If I could, I would now…..

Song Lyrics to “In Your Eyes”, Peter Gabriel

Love I get so lost, sometimes Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart. When I want to run away I drive off in my car, But whichever way I go I come back to the place you are.

All my instincts, they return And the grand facade, so soon will burn Without a noise, without my pride I reach out from the inside.

In your eyes, The light the heat; In your eyes, I am complete; In your eyes, I see the doorway to a thousand churches; In your eyes, The resolution of all the fruitless searches; In your eyes, Oh, I see the light and the heat; In your eyes, Oh, I want to be that complete I want to touch the light The heat I see in your eyes.

Love, I don’t like to see so much pain.  So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away.  I get so tired of working so hard for our survival.  I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive.

And all my instincts, they return And the grand facad, so soon will burn Without a noise, without my pride, I reach out from the inside.

In your eyes, The light the heat; In your eyes, I am complete; In you eyes, I see the doorway to a thousand churches; In your eyes, The resolution of all the fruitless searches; In your eyes, Oh, I see the light and the heat; In your eyes, Oh, I want to be that complete I want to touch the light, The heat I see in your eyes, In your eyes in your eyes, In your eyes in your eyes, In your eyes in your eyes

Song lyrics to “Tears In Heaven”, Eric Clapton

Would you know my name, If I saw you in heaven?  Would it be the same, If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong And carry on, ‘Cause I know I don’t belong Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand, If I saw you in heaven?  Would you help me stand, If I saw you in heaven?

I’ll find my way, Through night and day, ‘Cause I know I just can’t stay Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down, Time can bend your knees, Time can break your heart, Have you beggin please, begging please.

Beyond the door There’s peace I’m sure, And I know there’ll be no more Tears in Heaven.

Would you know my name, If I saw you in heaven?  Would it be the same, If I saw you in heaven.

I must be strong And carry on, ‘Cause I know I don’t belong Here in heaven.

Song lyrics to “Now We Are Free (from Gladiator)”, Hans Zimmer & Lisa Gerrard

Anol Shalom, anol sheh lay konnud de ne um, (Shaddai); Flavum, nom de leesh; Ham de nam um das; La um de llavne

We de ze zu bu, we de sooo a ru; Un va-a pesh a lay, un vi-i bee; Un da la pech ni sa, un di-i lay na day; Un ma la pech a nay, mee di nu ku

La, la, da, pa, da, le, na, da na; Ve va da pa de le na la dumda; La, la, da, pa, da, le na, de, na; Ve va da pa da le na la dumda

La, la, da pa da le, na, da, na; Ve va da pa da le na la dumda; La, la, da, pa, da, le na, da, na; Ve va da pa da le na la dumda

Anol shalom, anol sheh ley kon-nud de ne um, Flavum, flavum, m-ai shondol-lee, flavu, (Live on), Lof flesh lay, nof ne, nom de lis; Ham de num um dass la um de, flavne

Flay, shom de nomm; Ma-lun des, dwondi, dondi; Alas sharum du koos; Shaley koot-tum

Song lyrics to “Song of the Stars”, Dead Can Dance

we are the stars which sing, we sing with our light; we are the birds of fire, we fly over the sky, our light is a voice; we make a road for the spirit to pass over

(algononquian indian)

outo, ba mwen son ou, e,; outo, ba mwen son ou, e,; tanbouye, o ba mwen son ou,; soley leve.

outo, give me your sound,; outo, give me your sound,; drummer, give me your sound, the sun rises

(vodun invocation-haiti)

Most of my time with Dennis was before the days of digital cameras and Facebook  and … in other words, before we all became our own paparazzi!  So I don’t have a photographic record of backpacking trip we took in the Rockies; … or the time we went cross-country skiing in Rocky Mountain National Park and the little chickadee perched on the tip of my ski; … or the time we went kayaking in Monterey Bay and a sea otter climbed on top of my kayak;  … or the canoe trip in Indiana when the fireflies lit up the trees across the river from our campsite;  … or the whooping crane we saw among the sandhill cranes in New Mexico;  … or the mountain lion staring at us across the creek in Fourmile Canyon; …

Besides, the most important things – like how he was there for me when my mom died in 1984 and I was there for him when his mom died about 20 years later;  like how he was there for me during the time my dad seemed bent on destroying me emotionally and I was there for him during the time the Hepatitis C was destroying him – those things can’t be captured with a camera.

But I found I do have photos of quite a few of the highlights of my relationship with Dennis, even though some of the photos are blurry or scratched up.  As I put together the slide show for the memorial and the website (see Amy’s Years), I remembered that even though he was an EGRP (an extra grace required person) from the git-go and became more and more difficult as the disease and medications destroyed his mind – even so, we had a great friendship.

I met Dennis at work in 1982 in Boulder, CO – 10 years before I met Jesus. Just to set the record straight—we were an on-again/off-again couple for  ~~ I forget.  Maybe 4 years? The last time I tried to break up with him he said he refused to lose me completely and would rather have me as a friend than not have me at all. (On the count of three, everybody say, “Aaaaawww!”)  Mainly due to his persistence, we became best friends and eventually grew so close we were like brother and sister to each other.  In fact, Dennis was a better brother to me than either of my real brothers ever have been.

No wonder I feel like part of me is missing.

It’s been five trips to the desert sage,
Listening to sweet Melissa,
Each word across the page.

There is no other place I would rather be,
There is no other face I would rather see,
When I sense that special time. 

Here is more:

We’ll plan to meet in the desert world.
Land as beautiful as an ocean pearl.
I can only hope you have time for me.
To meet in that land so free for all to see.

Let’s take our packs,
Just bring what we need,
and leave those things that will bring us back.

Another one:

I pity those people
Oh, I pity those Bones
Look out for that time
it’s around oh, I know
never lets up its show.

On a rocket ship to the grave, then alone
He’s a relentless predator, our father time
Not our father or slave
You know time will end for you and me
Shot through our life to be set free

Time does end what you see
a soul to send you and me
What will we see at that end
what will send all of us 

Rest in peace, Den.

Let’s remember Dennis.  His life ended too soon, but our memories will never end.